Lying there, barely breathing in the darkness, smothered in pain, suffering in sorrow, suffocating in self-loathing. The mind casts another blow towards its illusory self that feels more real than anything else in this moment. Love feels lost. Nowhere to be found. No god. No hope. No light. Abundant flows of guilt, fear, shame, and apathy hiss from the wicked tongue of ego willing to take the cruel lashings of its own self-deprecation and abuse. All the hurt from others and one’s self rise to the occasion to offer reminders of the harsh moments of life, sinking one deeper into the distortion of nihilism and unworthiness.
The perpetrator and victim of one’s own mind.
The lines of separation have never seemed more pronounced and deeply drawn within the sand. How it hurts so badly at times to be in this experience of humanhood. The heavy pain bleeds from the heat of the heart in mournful cries and pleas for redemption and alleviation. There is a part that begs for God and another part that denounces all faith and divinity. The spectrum of polarity of duality feels like the fire of fear when lost within the darkest parts of the mind. Where is spirit, where is hope, where is faith, where is God in these moments? Why must the pain wilt us into feelings of nothingness, disconnection, confusion, and loneliness. Why must moments of human suffering feel like the depths of hell? The crying, begging, and hyperventilating tire the body, exhaust the mind, and leaves the heart feeling shattered and bruised. The soul withdrawals to another time space dimension to help soften the blows of the trauma of human experiencing. The only heart song sung is one of loneliness, despair, and confusion. How in those moments we must tend to our wounding the best we can, mend our broken hearts with rest, collect the pieces of the fragmented mind with loving mantras that feel anything but true, and call to the spirit through prayer to return to the home of the body within this reality and moment. Moments of awakening, mind maturing, and soul level learning at times are incredibly painful and difficult. Just because there are realizations of one’s true God nature does not mean there is an alleviation of all suffering and pain. There are times where there are no words to help in those moments, no known truths or wise teachings to soften the pain, and no rationality to stop the violent thrashings of thoughts and the body’s physical abreactions to the harrowing hurts of life. The boundaries of separation although known to be an illusion feel more real to the mind than anything in those darkest of times. How baffling at times is the recognition that the creator is the one experiencing this all, the fire of emotion and the pain of separation from self. A sense of self in general is a part of the process of God- realization but the veils of forgetting can feel heavy to bear at moments. As all is God even too these moments, aches, pains, and heart-rending thoughts are the creator expressing and experiencing thine own self that have seemingly gotten lost within the illusion.
It seems as if the heart breaks in 1000 infinite ways. what does the pain have to tell? what does the pain have to teach? Breathing slowly as the grief pushes past hidden barriers forging its way into conscious awareness and the heart field. It hurts to be alive but yet it feels so fulfilling. Why all the paradoxes? There are 1000 infinite ways that the heart breaks but also the same number of ways it can heal and dwell within wholeness.
There are still moments of heartbreak and sadness yet, interestingly, gratitude found in each one of them. The experience of it all is the teaching of love lessons and wisdom. The pain is not a notion that you are doing something wrong or being punished but rather the experience that you’re fully alive ready to learn and heal. It can help to remember that through all of this it was our choice on a soul level to be here and take on the challenges of the evolution of consciousness. To those enduring these moments, know that they will pass, you are loved infinitely, and faith and love will return to you. Hold on dear one, reach out for help from family, friends, and helping professionals. Someone is waiting for you to reach out to them, to love you during the storms and in return when you stand in your strength you will be ready to reach back to others who need your tender healing help because the pain will soften the heart to extraordinary depths of compassion because you too know what it’s like to weather the darkest of internal storms.
Sending love and prayers of healing to those who need it most right now.
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