When Did You Learn It Wasn't Safe to be Yourself?

I was working with a healer this week and while in a deep meditative state, he asked the question, when did you learn it was not safe to be yourself? How old were you when you were rejected or punished for being your truest self? and whose eyes did you learn to see yourself through?

WOW this was a big inquiry that immediately unlocked a response from the heart and body. So many of us have struggled with fear of being who we truly are out of fear of being judged, shamed, outcast, rejected, criticized, or abused. It's an inherent characteristic to want to belong and be accepted by others and we often seek our sense of worth and self-image through that. This can show up in many ways, whether we learned to make ourselves small so others could feel special or important about themselves, or we dimmed our light, so it didn't shine too bright to make others uncomfortable, or perhaps we had to play big and pretend to be who we are not in order to fulfill the dream of another who attempted to live through us.

Regardless of when we learned to abandon our authentic nature, the cost of this becomes too much to bear at some point in our life and our soul craves to express its own beautiful, organic, authentic self. The soul will revolt when its truth is oppressed and create primal chaos through emotions of anger, resentment, rage, fear, sadness, and deep grief that feels bone deep. This is a gift, although it may not feel that way in the center of the storm, this is the grace of the divine. The suppressed truth within us will create this tumultuous thrashing that is the birthing pains to authenticity, strength, empowerment, and courage. If you find yourself undergoing this healing initiation and rite of passage, let the pain wash over you as you hold it in compassion and hold the hand of someone who cares, if it's too much to bear alone.

A quote from a brilliant author sticks out in my mind when I read their account of their own healing journey in reference to self-reflecting on how the needs of others were put before their own.

"I did not have the courage to not be liked."

I can relate to the pain of this experience as well and find myself repeating now,

"I have the courage to not be liked, to not be accepted, to be rejected, criticized, or misunderstood; it is no longer my job to be liked or understood by others. I am free now, I love myself, & I have the courage to be who I am."

If this message resonates with you, I hope you will find your power, your courage, your self-love, and your authentic nature as that is the greatest gift you could give to yourself & this world.

Below is the writing that came from the spirit when asked the question, "When did you learn it was not safe to be yourself?"

What it was Like to See Myself Through the Eyes of Another

I learned to see myself through the eyes of others whose worlds were painted in pain and shame.

I learned to see myself as small, unworthy, and bad.

I learned to see myself through the eyes of those that could not love, those that did not love, those that were not loved.

My eyes became blurred, distorted, and heavy by the burdens of other’s hurt, abuse, guilt, and shame.

I was punished and condemned for being my truest and most authentic self.

I was punished for laughing and being happy then punished for feeling sad and miserable after the abuse.

I learned quickly how to stop being me, the price of authenticity was too high and would only cost me more ridicule and blame.

I learned it was not safe or ok to be myself.

I wanted to be loved and instincts took over and survival was of most importance.

I learned how to make others happy, feel accepted, seen, and validated even when it came at the cost of me.

I lost the ability to trust myself yet somehow misplaced that trust in others to tell me whether I was good or not, whether it was my fault or not, whether I was bad or not.

Feeling shamed, weak, and as if I was inherently bad seemed to make others feel better about themselves.

I just wanted to be happy and loved so if this was the way to that, I made due with making myself small to take the fall.

This way of living worked for a while until my spirit became restless and abandoned and began to rage with chaos and pain within the walls of the heart and body.

I could not breathe any longer and live within the safety of what I knew even when it was a pure distortion of the truth.

Now I learn to see myself through the eyes of the divine, through the eyes of love, through the eyes of acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion.

I see those that were responsible for the pain that was internalized and can only see them through the eyes of love. That love keeps me safe, sane, and protected but also forgiving and empowered.

My eyes are being healed, my heart is being repaired, and the spirit is being set free. The cost of being me is worth every judgment, criticism, or rejection from others as there are no more bonds and chains to the pain of seeing myself through the eyes of another.

Thank you for sharing your time with me and I send you high vibes and love!